MP Caught In Scandal

Backhander Gimpmask was – to the general public – not one of this country’s most recognisable MPs. That is, until the expense scandal broke a few years ago and it was discovered that he had been claiming for some rather exotic specialist services from one of London’s most exclusive houses of pleasure on his parliamentary expenses.

Even to a country used to the rather sordid details of what our elected representatives like to do with – or have done to - their genitalia, and seemingly immured to anything once it was discovered John Major had been letting Edwina Curry feel the size of his majority and that even John Prescott could get a shag, still the country was shocked by not only the perversity of Gimpmask’s activities, but also by his bare-faced (for once) audacity in claiming for such practices on his recent expense claims, despite the trouble he was in last time.

In recent decades, the British have lost their former reticence about sexual activity, although they still do like to have a good healthy giggle about the sheer absurdity of human sexuality and what other people do to get their rocks off. So, when it was discovered that Gimpmask liked to do something no-one else in Britain would even consider doing in these days of erotic enlightenment and uninhibited sexual experimentation, there was a nationwide outbreak of the giggles.

When it was revealed that Gimpmask liked nothing better than to dress up in garish flannelette pyjamas while paying a woman of negotiable affections to don a winceyette ankle-length nightdress and put curlers in her hair before both getting into bed and read a few pages of a mass-market best-seller each, it seemed the whole of the UK was outraged that there were still such unabashed sexual deviants in our midst.

The French of course, eager to get one over on the ancient ally enemy were quick to jump on the scandal and claim that this all sounded like a typical suburban UK Saturday night, then there were questions asked not only in the EU, but also of the French ambassador.

However, much to the chagrin of the UK tabloids, the French Ambassador refused to admit what he got up top with his mistress and the baguette, despite the tell-tale Camembert stains on the duvet and the empty wine bottles discovered in the bidet.

Gimpmask – of course – had the full support of his party leader, right up until he was summarily sacked from his front bench position yesterday for making his party leader look like even more of a twat than usual.

In deep disgrace, it looks like Gimpmask will return to the backbench for at least several weeks, or until the general public finds some other leading politician to laugh at.