Monday Poem On Tuesday: Ordinary Dreaming

Ordinary Dreaming

No springtime will come back to us, not now,
our day is gone, our chances are all missed.
The train has left our station without us.

We never did get to that special place
we thought we needed to visit, maybe,
even live there - if only for a while.

There was a dream of hand in hand, always
and slowly on across those twilight beaches
towards long peaceful nights together still.

But there always are dreams beyond the night
and there always will be those dreamers too,
although we never were that fortunate.

Our dreams were just the ordinary dreams,
while in those extraordinary times
we thought we could be like the special ones
who had those dreams that would always come true.

Dangerous Pets Need To Be Controlled

The people of the UK have decided that, as the country seems to be going to the dogs, then - in future - all political parties in Great Britain will have to take out third-party insurance on all the politicians they keep as pets because of the severe damage caused by certain out of control ‘dangerous politicians’ over recent years.

There is also a growing demand that any political party that keeps out of control MPs should have the MP’s ability to claim excessive expenses muzzled and those that keep taking their leggy young ‘researchers’ on fact-finding trips to exotic beach locations should be neutered.

The people of the UK are especially concerned about what seems to be a new breed of politician, called the Pitiful bullshitter, which seems to delight in causing damage to the UK in whatever form it can. For example, some of the Pitiful Bullshitters owned by the Labour party have, over recent years, viciously savaged the economy, education, law and order and many other such parts of society for no apparent reason other than a malevolent, ferocious destructiveness.

Recently, there have been reports of one such ‘out of control’ government minister ‘Mad Hatters’ Harman, trying to intimidate and threaten people into being ‘more equal’ by growling at them and attempting to savagely attack their sense of reality.

The people of the UK are also concerned that some of the political parties are keeping politicians just so that those politicians can intimidate ordinary people into voting for them at elections, and there are a growing number of calls for the breeding of politicians to be outlawed.

As one recently-savaged voter said:

Oh, these political parties like to have plenty of MPs as pets that they keep on leads that they can whip into doing all sorts of dangerous things to the country. However, once these MPS are allowed to get into government then they just run wild, savaging the country and viciously attacking anyone who gets in their way. They are simply out of control and ought to be put down.

All Now More Equal Than All The Others

Over the weekend the implications of Mad Hatters Harman’s ‘Equality’ legislation, the policy aimed at making the British people too stupid to even wipe up their own drool as they sit gawping at the latest Celebrity Reality Overly-Besequined Extravaganza On Ice, were set out in a code of practice, drawn up by the Equality and Human Rights Commission.

Apparently, the Mad Hatters wants her legislation to prevent ‘discrimination’ against anybody’s beliefs, no matter how absurd, in the totally misguided and hopelessly naïve belief that this will somehow – perhaps by magic – make everything all better. The code of practice implies that this means that no matter how utterly deranged the beliefs of anyone are, as long as they are held sincerely, those beliefs will be protected by the equality legislation to prevent those who hold them from being ‘discriminated’ against.

Just how they are going to prosecute reality when it comes into someone’s sincerely-held belief that, say, the English Test Cricket team is under the mind-control of shape-shifting aliens from a small planet just outside the Horsehead nebula is glossed over somewhat.

As one sceptic, once he no longer had the strength left to slap his own face with his palm any longer, said:

The idea of protecting people’s beliefs in law also comes a cropper when it is realised that more than 97% of what people believe - and have ever believed throughout history - is complete, utter and total bollocks. What is more, unless people are challenged on what they believe and shown how incompatible it is to the reality that surrounds them they will go on believing it and – in far too many cases – keep popping around to your house with flaming torches and pitchforks until you start believing it too.

There is – seemingly – no end to number of people who say ’there must be something in it’ because their Uncle Osbert lived to the age of 210 without ever having a day’s illness in his life, all because he used to wedge a blackcurrant fruit pastille up his left nostril every morning before work, and walked backwards to Droitwich every third Tuesday of the month.

The trouble is that reality doesn’t work the way people want it to, and people must be made aware of it, because if you believe that witch-doctor’s magic can cure your sick child, or that aeroplanes do not need engineering checks because the sky gods cradle each one in their hands and carry them to their destination – unless there are evil sinners aboard who eat the wrong kind of shellfish, obviously - then you have to – if only for the sake of everyone else - be told that what you believe is complete and utter bullshit.

That is, unless this government deliberately wants to keep everybody completely stupi….

Ah….

New ‘Charity’ Established

Some women with too much time on their hands, unsupervised access to a Facebook account and access to some free PR on a slow news day have announced that they have set up a charity to help those poor unfortunates who seem to think that lazy stereotypes are sometimes mistaken for some kind of truth, or - in some way – reflect reality.

The women want to use the charity to point out to those too dense to work it out for themselves that stereotypes do not mean anything at all, and that no-one with even one single functioning brain cell ought to treat them as anything more as a lazy rhetorical device used to ease the flow of everyday banter.

As a founder of the group said:

Listen, I know all about last stereotyping. I come from Birmingham, so I have an accent that makes me sound like I spend my days masticating cardboard and hiding from angry clouds, but I know the stereotype is not true so therefore it simply does not matter, not to me and shouldn’t to anyone else.

However, it does seem that there are some out there too dense to realise even this, so we decided to set up this charity in order to try to help them see how trivially unimportant all this sort of thing actually is.

Later, the PR agent for the new charity said:

Really, you know these days anyone can claim to be outraged by seemingly anything at all, no matter how trivial or meaningless. Anyone can claim to be a victim of a society seemingly out to bully, harass and demean them by pointing out something so pointlessly trivial, stupid and meaningless as evidence of their claim. But no matter how absurd or ridiculous the claim, it seems that no-one these days is prepared to stand up to these people and tell them to stop acting like a twat, shut up and just get on with things like the rest of us.

Everyone knows, except it seems the most knuckle-dragging gawps on the planet, stereotypes are not true and to go around pretending that they are and that – consequently – you feel somehow diminished by being associated with that stereotype, no matter how tangentially only – in the end – diminishes you. Just because someone puts an open box in front of you, it does not mean you have to crawl into it and close the lid after you.

They are nearly as dim as those people who think that entertainers, sports stars and all the other so-called celebrities are ‘role-models’ who ought to be emulated. Really, sometimes you do wonder how the human race managed to learn the secret of fire without burning their arms off.

Celebrity Accountancy On Ice

Munchkin Coinslot came to our TV screens from the hectic glamorous world of internal auditing in order to bring her much needed professional experience to the judging panel of ITV’s hit new Saturday early evening show Celebrity Accountancy On Ice.

The show combines the now de-rigueur P-list celebrity, desperate for any work, up to and including panto and ads for the most downmarket couch potato deep-frozen swill emporium (which co-incidentally sponsors this very show), partnered by a professional accountant specialising in ice skating-based auditing, all in front of a judging panel and live audience with the now essential, and essentially-lucrative, TV audience phone poll.

Reconciling invoices, or even balancing a cash book, is quite a skill, especially when done whilst skating around an ice-ring. Therefore, it seems, a very popular part of the show are the so-called outtakes where – for example - a contestant forgets to carry the seven whilst engaged in skating backwards into her partner’s outstretched arms as the obligatory Ravel’s Bolero builds towards its climax.

The judging panel features Bile Tosspot, the most garrulously camp and pernickety piss-taking ‘talent’ show judge on the circuit whose acidic put-downs of contestants have already been declared illegally offensive in several European states is – quite obviously – the one the public have come to loathe (as per the script), while his foil, Munchkin Coinslot, always has a word or two of encouragement, even for those alleged ‘celebrities’ incapable of even filing an invoice whilst skating backwards at speed. The third judge, Rabbitty Airhead, is, of course, only there to show off her superbly-engineered cleavage whilst spouting the first piece of homespun pointless drivel that escapes her lips without the tedious voyage across the wide-open plains of her brain.

The show has been – of course – an instant success. Combining the skill and glamour of accountancy with the pointless expertise of ice-skating was a stroke of genius, as was the casting of the judging panel that combines the one the audience loves to hate going up against the one the audience love to love several times per episode as each pair of ice-stating auditor and celebrity stand there awaiting judgement on their technique.

Already commissioned for a further 10 series, and sold to 97 other countries, and Canada, it seems that Celebrity Accountancy On Ice will continue as long as there are celebrities - and ice-skating accountants – willing to fall on their arses in front of the viewing millions. Consequently, there is no reason why the show should not go on forever.

2012 Olympic Sports

As the 2012 London Olympic games draw ever closer, now is perhaps a good time to take a look at which athletes stand a good chance of winning gold for Britain. Pensive Apprehension is – surprisingly – little known outside the rather specialised Olympic sport for which she is the current Olympic record holder and gold medallist. Perhaps it is not surprising however, that with the proliferation of new Olympic events over the last few games that the sport of Olympic Free-Form Queuing has not had the media attention it deserves, especially in the UK where queuing is regarded as a national sport. It is often claimed – not without some justification – that if one stands still long enough in Great Britain, someone else will come and queue behind you.

Olympic Queuing, however, is a much more demanding sport than normal everyday queuing. Ordinary people do not usually break into a run, except when chasing a bus, or being chased by a violent gang eager to insistently dis-acquaint oneself with one’s technological gadgetry, let alone devote one’s professional life to being 1000^th of a second faster at it than others who train just as obsessively. Similarly, like running, queuing at Olympic level is a completely different activity from the queuing practised at the normal day to day level by non-athletes.

Olympic queuing, then, is the art of not only joining a queue without anyone noticing, it is also about getting to the front of the queue before the Olympic standard ticket window used for the event closes for lunch.* It is also very much about the art of knowing which queue to join and – vitally – when to swap from one queue to another which seems to be moving faster.

Everyone in the UK, of course, remembers the tense final of the Free-Form Queuing event at the Beijing Olympics in 2008, when Pensive Apprehension won her gold medal by slipping into the queue two windows to her left, and then getting served just seven tenths of a second before that service window closed for lunch.

So, come 2012 in London, all eyes will be on Pensive Apprehension as she tries to repeat her triumphant performance, and – maybe – beat her own world and Olympic record by getting to the front of the queue, and served, less that 100^th of a second before the lunch break is called.

*Except, of course, for the queuing marathon, where the finishing line is at a flight check-in desk at a major international airport during a strike by French air-traffic controllers, or the queue pentathlon where contestants have to join five separate queues one after another, for example at the delicatessen counter, the returns desk and so on, all in the one supermarket, including the one for the other-wise inexplicable only open check-out till in a bank of a dozen or more.

CPS Criticises Jury’s ‘Wrong Verdict’

Yesterday a jury cleared a man who killed one armed burglar, left another grievously wounded and slashed another with kitchen knives as he defended himself and his property.

However, a spokesman for the CPS said:

Obviously in this case the jury got it very wrong indeed. They should realise that when we bring a case against someone, the very fact of there being a case means that the accused must be guilty. It is the job of the jury to merely go through the motions of considering the case, before giving the verdict we at the CPS want.

A government Justice Department spokeswoman agreed:

Juries should realise that they are there purely as a cosmetic exercise, a hangover from the Dark Ages before the enlightened days of this – The People’s Beloved Labour Government. We are the people and the people are us, so it is only right that we decide who is guilty and – on the odd occasion - that someone might just be innocent.

We have worked hard in this government to stop people thinking for themselves and making their own minds up about what is right and wrong. If juries take it upon themselves to attempt to decide such things, then we will have no choice but to look at getting rid of them.

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police added:

Obviously, we have to respect the jury’s decision, but if I were a member of that jury I’d make sure my MOT and so on are all up to date, and that there’s nothing dodgy saved on my computer, because you never know what might happen, know what I’m saying?

Anyway, the far more serious matter in this case is that a ordinary member of the public has stood up for himself and defended his property on his own initiative. This cannot be – under any circumstances – be encouraged. It is vital that any member of the public confronted by criminals leaves them to get on with it, even if it means the loss of their own, or someone else’s, life.

It is solely the job of the police – and no-one else – to fill in the necessary forms that decide whether - indeed – a crime has been committed or not. Mere members of the public do not have the professional expertise to decide if some alleged incident is a crime or not, despite the amount of missing property, or the number of bloodstains. The police are the only ones who can fill in the correct forms that decide that something is not a crime at all, or, if it is a crime that the right form has been filled in to show that it has been solved.

However, one former member of the jury commented that:

The thing is that these villainous scrotes have simply got to learn to leave other people - and their stuff - alone, and if one or two of them happen to get themselves killed in learning this, well… at least you won’t have to try to teach it to them again.

Well, giving them tea and biscuits and telling them that society is to blame has worked well, so far, hasn’t it?