World Record Attempt

She didn’t know….

I didn’t know….

The badger, though, was looking decidedly nervous, even though the butler was dressed in the wet suit and was poised to put on the flippers once the structural engineer gave the go ahead.

Of course, fitting up the circus-style trapeze apparatus had not been that easy, but this was a world record attempt and so we needed to be sure.

Although, the original specification for the pool of flesh-eating piranhas had metamorphosed into a badger in a puddle when the health and safety inspector insisted that the butler be prepared to rescue the daring lady on he flying trapeze, should she lose her grip and fall.

The rest of us – especially the structural engineer – were somewhat more concerned for the integrity of the apparatus as our star performer had a tendency to overeat when she got nervous and only informed us of her badger-phobia when the rest of us had to accept that the piranhas would not be delivered in time and the man from the Guinness Books of Records refused to alter his diary to accommodate any delay. He did however, reassure us that there was – as yet – no world record for performing a trapeze act above a rather perturbed badger sitting in a puddle, or otherwise, so her attempt at stardom would be assured, providing that is, the equipment held up for the duration of her performance.

Which it didn’t… unfortunately….

Unfortunately for the badger, that is. Our star performer came away with only a bruised elbow and a slightly flattened steak and ale pie which she - unwisely to my mind – attempted to consume in mid-performance, thus slipping from the trapeze when her gravy-covered hands failed to maintain a grip.

Still, the government inspector did say they were looking for more humane ways of culling wild TB-infected badgers and that, although it would need some refinements, our method did seem rather successful. So our performer may not have got into the record books in the way she would have desired, at least now she has a steady job… until this country runs out of badgers, that is.