Well, I mean, you would, wouldn’t you?
If you got the chance, you would definitely give it a go, wouldn’t you?
I mean we’ve all sat there daydreaming about what we would do should some fairy godmother, some genie freed from a bottle or someone like that, offered us the three wishes so beloved of fairy tales.
Be careful what you wish for, as some wise old geezer once said… and me?
Well, I can only agree.
Of course, like everyone else when she appeared in front of me in a shower of sparkling stars and multicoloured smoke - like some cheesy no-budget local TV ad from the 70s - I responded as anyone else would.
‘Bollocks,’ I said.
She sighed and dusted some of the ash from her costume. A costume that was, I noticed immediately, somewhat diaphanous and see-through in all the places it is impolite to look.
‘What are you staring at?’
‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘Only you are a very attractive woman.’
‘Woman? Pah!’ She waved her wand dismissively. She looked down at herself and tutted. ‘Only it is the traditional costume… and theyare sticklers for tradition. The union have been on to them about it, about our dignity in the workpla….’ She looked back up at me. ‘Anyway, I’m not a woman, I’m a fairy.’
‘A fairy… bollocks They don’t exist… they are only fairy stori….’
She strode up to me and tapped me on the chest with her wand. ‘That feel real enough to you, sonny?’
I flinched, stepping back. The star on its end was very pointy. I looked down to see a hole in my shirt.
‘Anyway, I’m your fairy godmother.’
‘Bollo… er…. Aren’t you a bit young?’
‘What are you saying?’
‘Er…. Nothing. I just. We’ll, I must be older than you?’
‘And?’
‘Well, y’know… Godmother. I would that would have entailed some age difference, like that of a parent to a child… mother and child.’
She stared at me. ‘You humans are so weird.’ She straightened her… her dress, what there was of it. ‘Anyway, I’m a bit pushed. There’s a pumpkin over in Watford I’ve got to turn into a Porsche, and her from over Bristol way has called in sick this morning… again. So, I’m going to have to cover her shift… again.’ She glared at me. ‘So get on with it, I haven’t got all day.’
‘Er…?’
‘What now?’
‘What am I supposed to be getting on with…. I… er?’
‘Three wishes.’
‘What?’
She pulled a tablet computer out of what appeared to be thin air. ‘It says here you have three wishes due…. So, get on with it. My time is valuable you know.’
‘Er….’
‘Three wishes…, come on.’ She tapped the wand against her thigh.
It was then all my troubles began.
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