Ethical Headgear

There are times it seems when the world geo-political situation means that one has simply no other choice, but to wear a hat. Of course, such a decision is not to be taken lightly, especially if one likes to count oneself amongst that dwindling band of the Right-On Politically-Correct Left, where choice of headgear will be dictated more by political fashion-following masquerading as ethics than by such things as practicality, usefulness and fitness for the prevailing weather conditions.

For those on the Left, some hat choices are indeed quite straightforward, obviously with its association with the evil empire of America the cowboy hat is a complete no-no, especially as it is associated with the more right-leaning American states such as Texas. This association with America will also, of course, completely rule out the baseball cap too, which is itself further tainted by being the headgear of choice for the chav. Now, whilst the Left-leaning person does like to pretend to like the lower orders of society, on no account do any of them want to be caught by anyone who they know, and consequently need to impress with their up-to-date right-onness, wearing anything which those lower orders would themselves consider fashionable or stylish.

The bowler hat too can be discounted by the Left as its associations with capitalism move it completely beyond the pale. As, of course, can the top hat.

However, for those on the Left the choice is not then quite so simple for other hats. Take for example, the flat cap, this is an almost traditional working class hat, so in most cases one could be on safe ground with it, however, it is also favoured by the landed gentry, especially those in the hunting and shooting fraternity, which - of course - taints it almost beyond redemption for some on the Left. This does make the flat cap quite problematical as the Left these days is populated mostly by the right-on middle classes, most of whom have never seen a traditional working class person, let alone one wearing a flat cap, and so in their eyes the flat cap wearers in their social circle will be almost certainly belong to the aforementioned hunting and shooting set, consequently making the flat cap a no-no for any Left-winger wanting to maintain some shred of ideological purity.

One could – obviously – sport a beret and should one’s ideological alignment to that icon of the Left, Che Guevara, but the fact remains that the beret makes you look – and this applies even to the ‘great’ Che himself – like a complete dick and is therefore best avoided.

This does leave – apart from the WWII leather pilot’s hat which is, of course, a special case - the woollen hat, but this itself has a certain militaristic connotation which – at best – can make it somewhat ethically problematical.

Finally, there is the right –on choice of ethnic headgear, that is, apart from the fact that the more competitively right-on amongst one’s circle of Left-wing acquaintances are bound to have a blisteringly accurate and up-to-date knowledge of the world’s repressive regimes, and are therefore – somewhat gleefully – bound to point out that one’s choice of ethical ethnic headgear marks one down as a fervent supporter of one of the most evil right-wing fascistic regimes on the planet.

So, just perhaps, maybe that hat isn’t such a good idea anyway. After all, what price cold ears when compared to ideological purity?

Older Women Unplanned Pregnancy Warning

Some experts yesterday issued a warning to women over 35 who are ditching contraception in the mistaken belief that they are unlikely to get pregnant.

A spokeswoman for the Family Planning Association said:

A lot of women in the 35-plus age-range glance across to the flatulent fat slob snoring away in front of the TV across the other side of the room and decide that it is so long since he managed to get it up, that continuing with contraception is far more trouble than it is worth.

We would, however, like to remind women in this age group that this summer will see England playing in the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, and if – unlikely, we know – England do manage to squeeze their way out beyond the group stages, then there is a possibility that their partner may feel the urge to celebrate in the usual way.

The same also – to a certain extent – applies to the rugby Six Nations. However, should the England team do well in this, it is more likely that the traditional rugby celebration - of drinking enough beer to totally submerge a small market town and then mooning everyone in a six-mile radius before collapsing in a vomit-stained heap - will take place instead.

Other experts in the field have also pointed out that women in this age-group should also be aware that there is the chance that just occasionally their husband or partner may suddenly experience a total loss of internet connection. They do stress that this is nothing to be overly concerned about as internet connections can usually be re-established quite easily. A sudden loss of internet connection may however, these experts claim, lead to the man being suddenly deprived of his access to hard-core pornography, which – in some cases – may lead to him re-acquiring some interest in doing it with a real, live woman, quite possibly for the first time in several months, or – perhaps - even years.

However, one woman in her late… er… early forti… late thirties(ish) said:

I have given up totally on that useless lump. I mean, even in his prime it was usually a case of falling out of the pub at chucking-out time, a vindaloo and then three minutes of fumbling under the duvet before farting, rolling over and falling asleep, but at least in those days he did make an effort, even if I did have to buy my own birthday, anniversary and Valentines presents and pretend they were from him.

Lately, though, I’ve been carrying on with the contraception, and hanging on in hope, just in case those adverts do come true, and there is some hot bloke out there - with a dirty smile and the body of a sex god - desperate to give me one as soon as he’s finished his can of Coke, but now I’m beginning to doubt it.

In fact, I’ve come to the conclusion that I might just as well flush my pills away and get a cat instead.

The Heyday Of The Victorian Music Halls

Faucet Firesprinkler was probably the most famous musical cheese-grater (a song, a dance, a small pile of grated cheddar) during the late Victorian heyday of the music halls, and probably one of the most famous celebrities of that time.

Everywhere Firesprinkler went he was followed by mobs urging him to do his – by then – world-famous song, dance and cheese-grating act. Even in America and Australia, as his fame spread he made personal appearances in some of the larger cities of those still relatively young countries, Firesprinkler was famous enough to gather huge crowds and – on one notorious occasion in Melbourne – start a riot when, after suffering slight damage to his grating hand the previous evening at a sell-out concert – Firesprinkler refused to do any cheese-grating demonstrations for the huge crowds that had gathered there.

In Britain, it became almost impossible for Firesprinkler to go out into the streets on his own without a phalanx of minders, unless he went in disguise. This, of course, led to the scandal and later trial that bought him down.

One late October morning in 1895, Firesprinkler was found hanging around the lady’s Undergarment section of one of the new department stores, dressed as a lady. He probably would have managed to get away with it, even with his – typical for the era - luxurious beard and side-whiskers, were it not for the fact that he never went anywhere without his favourite cheese grater. Ladies of quality, of course, were not meant to know about such practices as cheese grating, let alone witness such an event in public.

The ensuing scandal of a lady seen out in public carrying, what was then regarded as, a rather risqué item of kitchen paraphernalia, caused outrage enough. However, when that apparent lady, albeit a heavily be-whiskered one, later turned out to be a man, who later turned out to be a music hall entertainer, who later turned out to be a world famous music hall entertainer, it was more than the high society of the time could bear.

All that is known of Faucet Firesprinkler these days – ironically enough – is that he was a cellmate of Oscar Wilde in Reading Gaol for 3 years after the respective scandals which laid them both so low. Like Wilde, Firesprinkler was never the same again, going to live out the few remaining years of his life, after prison had left him a mental and physical wreck, in exile near Burnley where – it is rumoured – he never again could bear to be in the same room as even a modest pile of grated cheese.

He died a scant five years after leaving prison and was buried in an unmarked pauper’s grave, oddly enough underneath what has now become the cheese counter at a branch of Tesco in Burnley.

Endangered Species Conservation Plans

Following confirmation that a scheme has been set up in Wales to attempt to preserve red squirrels, a similar scheme has been announced in an attempt to preserve what will remain of the UK Labour party after the forthcoming election. Plans have been put forward to set out a special Labour Party sanctuary somewhere deep in Mid-Wales where whatever remains of the Labour party after the election can be kept safe, especially from their most fearsome predator the mobs of angry and disillusioned voters.

A spokeswoman for the scheme said:

The UK Labour party has a long and distinguis… a… er… long… history…. Well, let’s just say that it has been around for quite a while and there are many… some… well, a few people who would like to make sure that the Labour party doesn’t go completely extinct, if we can avoid it.

Political conservationists point out that Wales is an almost ideal habitat for an endangered species like the Labour Party, pointing to the fact that the principality has had a breeding pair of Kinnocks living there for several decades.

Supporters of the scheme also point out that having a special reserve for the Labour Party means that it will unable to do anywhere near as much damage to the rest of the UK - when allowed to run wild and unchecked - as it has in the last decade or so. Conservationists also point out that in a Labour sanctuary, the party will be able to tax each other into penury and pass as much spurious ‘Equality’ legislation as they like without causing undue damage to a the rest of the British Isles.

However, some critics have expressed concern about what would happen to the surrounding countryside if, say, a Harman was allowed to escape from the sanctuary. As one local resident pointed out:

I’ve seen Jurassic Park; I know what can happen if these creatures get out of control. I have young children, what if Ed Balls escapes and tries to interfere in their education?

However, one political naturalist countered:

Political parties should be allowed to go extinct; it serves no real purpose keeping them alive beyond their natural life span in these artificial reserves. The Labour party, in fact, socialism as a whole, we now see was a complete evolutionary dead-end. So, keeping the party alive is just cruel; especially as their natural habitat – the old polytechnic social science departments – no longer exist, at least not in the form that would encourage any new growth of Left-wing ideology.

Non-Consensual Intimate Contact With A Small Hovercraft

Look out!

There is a serious danger of individual hovercraft infesting your vestibule sometime over the next few days. It is – as we know- unusual for such an occurrence this early in the New Year. Some have blamed the world economic downturn and others have blamed climate change, whilst the more perspicacious amongst us have pointed to the return of Wolves to the Premier League and nodded knowingly.

Now, far be it from me – about 17 miles as the crow flies, or 35 miles if that same crow takes public transport – to cast doubt on these varied explanations of what can be a very traumatic experience, as anyone who’s person has been in non-consensual intimate contact with a small hovercraft, especially when it takes place in a vestibule, it is not a very pleasant experience for you, or – indeed – your person.

However, as the Old Wives’ Tale has it, a small dab of Vaseline to the back of the left ear, does seem to keep the hovercraft out of the vestibule, at least until the official hovercraft catchers from the Errant Vehicle Restraint Squad arrive to trap it and take the hovercraft away to a nearby local hovercraft sanctuary, where it can live out the rest of its natural lifespan eating tinned mangoes in syrup and watching re-runs of The Morecambe And Wise Show on cable TV.

Pluto ‘Turning Red’

According to NASA scientists, studying images taken by the Hubble Space telescope, the Sun’s furthermost orbiting dwarf planet, Pluto, is turning an increasing shade of red.

Sources close to the UK’s Labour government have, therefore, confirmed that senior figures within the Labour party are now trying to convince the party’s embattled leader, the UK PM Gordon Brown, that becoming Prime Minister of Pluto would be the ideal career move for him.

A Labour party spokeswoman said:

As Pluto is now turning red then it seems quite obvious that it would now broadly welcome the kind of Old-Labour bureaucratic centralised state socialism that we know - deep down – Gordon Brown much prefers to having pretend to like business, enterprise and initiative.

Furthermore, as we know, the people’s Prime Menta… Minister, Gordon Brown, has already saved the world once; so,we feel that the time is right for him, and several members of his cabinet, to take on new, greater, challenges. Hopefully, he will go before we get completely wiped ou… get royally screwe… get returned to power with a somewhat reduced majority… er… which while obviously not Gordon’s fault at all… no… no... no….

Hang on, I’ve just seen him pick up a mobile phone… er… got to go…. Bye!

Ooooh shiiiit!

Everybody… duck!

Sources near the top of the Labour government have also pointed out that as there are far less people on Pluto then Gordon Brown would automatically become much less unpopular than he is in the UK. Those same sources also – rather gleefully – pointed out that according to the NASA study there is no sign of any ‘equality’ legislation on Pluto whatsoever, therefore they were more than certain that the planet would eagerly welcome ‘Dirty’ Harriet Harman and all her many initiatives.

The BBC political editor, speaking live from his kennel outside 10 Downing Street, said:

In the recent past, as their poll ratings plummeted, senior Labour party figures have tried to get Gordon Brown to take over the premiership of that other - more traditional - red planet Mars. However, an opinion poll showed that even the Mars Rover thought Gordon Brown was the worst PM in British history, and, consequently, would never even consider voting for him.

Obviously, Lord Dick Dastardly of Foy tried to persuade the PM that the Mars poll was just a blip, but even Gordon Brown wouldn’t believe that.

So, even though there is some doubt that the Prime Minister can be persuaded to take up this new challenge, there is one fact about Pluto that could make him change his mind, and that is the fact that Pluto’s orbit of the sun takes 248 years, therefore Gordon Brown would not have to face an election for well over a thousand standard Earth years.

Vegetable-Related Mayhem

Put this pre-owned pancake next to the Chicken-Intriguing DVDs, my little darling, then we can go out to watch the orange glowing sky where the sun is setting over the burning cars while the sirens howl in the twilight as our own local Artichoke-Arrangers riot once more.

We could watch, dear heart, from a high safe vantage-point as wave after wave of riot police, armed with shields, batons and Danish pastries clash head-on with the Artichoke-Arrangers and other allied fruit and vegetable systemizers as they hurl bricks, stones and deadly Celine Dion CDs back at the oncoming riot police.

Of course, many media commentators have tried to gain their moment in the limelight through advancing their own pet theories as to why there is this sudden outbreak of greengrocery related mayhem. Some media pundits have even come to the (surprisingly accurate for the media) conclusion that it is due to the police's recent hard clampdown on illicit vegetable trading, arresting and charging many street-corner asparagus dealers and illegal suppliers of out of season raspberries.

This clampdown has - of course - inevitably threatened the livelihood of many forced to become dealers in illicit and illegal greengrocery through rampant unemployment, social marginalisation, prejudice, their own greed and laziness and many other such factors.

However, unless illicit vegetable dealing is once more brought under control, it will not be safe for ordinary people to walk certain streets without being offered illicit cabbage, spring onions, or even - in broad daylight - pomegranates. If we must have a trade in fruit and vegetables, and must tolerate the self-confessed 'vegetarians' whose ceaseless demand for such produce perpetrates this cruel and vile trade, then let it be done in the proper authorised and government-licensed outlets, not on street corners where even our innocent children can be seduced into the sordid world of rampant vegetable consumption.