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Wednesday, September 04, 2013

The Particle Theory of Dinner


Semblance Dromedary is – of course – these days a name well-known to almost everyone with even the slightest interest in the sciences, especially in the highly specialised field of high-energy particle physics. In particular, Dromedary’s area of expertise lies within the branch of contemporary physics concerned with making what scientists call 'a nice bit of dinner'.

Of course, it was the Ancient Greeks, especially Plato and Heraclitus, who first theorised that somewhere out there, there must exist the original ideal of a nice meal. Plato himself perfected the idea in his Theory of Forms. Stating that somewhere out there lay, not only the perfect mashed potato, light and fluffy, and without any of those mysterious lumpy grey bits so beloved of downmarket restaurants and caf├ęs, but there was also a perfect lump-less gravy.

The epicureans too, through there must be some ideal meal out there, and so many of them devoted their lives to sampling as many meals as they could in their local area in search of the ideal meal.

Later though, it was Einstein himself who first came up with the two concepts that defined modern-day Dinner Theory with his concepts of General Good Food and Special Good Food, immortalised in his famous quote: 'God doesn't make lumpy gravy.' However, Einstein, right until his dying day, refused to accept the possibility of the existence of the yummy particle, as theorised by Niels Bohr.

The Large Lunch Collider brings meat and vegetables together at the speed of waiter service. It exists underground at one of London's leading restaurants. Recent work at this facility, run by Semblance Dromedary himself, produced tentative experimental data suggesting there is – indeed – a 'yummy' particle.

Consequently, although, it is too early to be sure, Dinner Physicists are quietly confident that they will confirm the existence of the yummy particle. Thus, mankind could finally be well on their way to a Unified Theory of Dinner at long last.

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