Government Warning Scheme Extended

Following on from the massive success of their terrorism alert warning system, where the people of this great... mediocre… ok-ish… totally-fucked… er… nation are warned to be more on their guard against suspicious foreign-looking gentleman in public places with smouldering underpants, or smoke billowing from their footwear, the UK government has today announced a similar warning scheme for the UK’s somewhat unpredictable weather.

A government spokesthing said:

The recent bad winter weather, and the current unseasonable spat of winter weather has – we believe - left many people in the UK confused as to just how cold it may well be outside, and, therefore, just what actions they ought to take, for example, should they wear a hat, or even gloves?

Obviously this is not the sort of decision we – in this, the people’s government – feel that ordinary people should be allowed to do without government advice. We have worked hard over the last 13 years to make sure that ordinary people have lost the ability to make significant decisions on their own without the benevolent involvement of the government, and so – we feel – that this is another area where we in government can assist people to come to the correct decision.

The UK government’s new Nasty Weather Alert System has – like the Terrorist threat system – five levels of alerts:

• Normal – it is safe to go outside without a hat.
• Drizzle – Normal but with a chance of getting slightly moist, but not in the good way. A hat is advised.
• A Bit Parky – wrap up warm, but only when venturing outside, otherwise you won’t feel the benefit.
• A Bit Nasty Out – Warning a scarf AND wellies may be necessary. Councils may announce grit has run out.
• SEVERE – Don’t go outside, or the yetis, polar bears and mammoths will eat you! Only TV news reports are allowed outside in order to tell people not to venture out at all - until the all-clear has been announced by an official from the Met Office.

However, ordinary people do not seem that impressed by the government’s new initiative. As one member of the public said:

These terrorist alerts seem to make bugger all difference, except that they only seem to be announced whenever the government makes some sort of cock-up elsewhere and needs to divert attention away from it suddenly. Perhaps if they did less interfering in ordinary people’s lives, then just maybe they wouldn’t cock so many things up and need to come up with stuff like this to divert attention away from those cock-ups.

It’s a thought – isn’t it?