UK Government Closes UFO Investigation Unit

The UK government has closed down its MOD UFO Investigation Unit after it had spent fifty years of investigating reports of UFO sightings.

As The Dark Lord of Foy said in an exclusive interview with The Rope:

Look into my eyes…. There are no such things as UFOs. There are no such things as aliens. Do… you… understand… me…!

Good.

However, we in the Laborg Collective will continue with our plan to conquer the Earth, thereby assimilating it into the Laborg Collective, by continuing to absorb all the other hive minds, such as: Guardian readers, feminism, environmentalism, the public sector, the BBC, welfare recipients, the luvvie hive-mind and so on, as we did so easily with socialism, and the rest of the so-called Left.

Now, of course, we have various minorities and religions all wanting to enter our hive mind too, all so eager to become part of the greater Laborg Collective.

Add to this Entity Harman’s equality drive that is designed remove all aspects of individuality from the populace, along with Entity Ball’s reconstruction of the education system to remove all possibility of individual, and – therefore – dissenting, thought from the smaller of the human units.

All this means that soon the entire population will be assimilated into the Laborg Collective, especially when –after this tiresome election business has been disposed of – the entire adult unit population of the UK will be sent on our special Diversity Awareness courses, from which only fully assimilated members of the Laborg Collective will emerge.

Asked about the forthcoming election, and what would happen to the Laborg Collective if it lost, The Dark Lord of Foy just laughed, saying:

Of course, Entity Brown will prevail in your puny human election, for he is a High Noble Son of the Manse, and a warrior of the fearsome Nokia-chucker tribe. No feeble Earthling election campaign will scare him.

Furthermore, if you think that your superhero SuperBoris can save you with his sonic super bicycle, then you will soon learn how even your superheroes are no mach for the might of the Laborg Collective.

Come, it is time for me to show you our latest ‘Diversity Awareness’ Assimilation room.