Bishops’ Swine-Flu Warning

Church leaders today warned Christians in the UK that ‘they should not expect miracles’ and they should exercise caution when engaging in various religious rituals during the current swine flu outbreak.

One church leader warned of the danger of people using so-called ‘Holy water’, seemingly oblivious of the irony inherent in his statement.

As one sceptic, outside the church said:

Surely, if there is any water that ought to be safe, it should be this ‘Holy Water’. After all, isn’t their God supposed to be involved in its production in some way? Frankly, if He can’t guarantee it free from contamination, then his whole claim to omnipotence should be investigated by Trading Standards officers, straightaway.

With the Bishop also advising priests to ‘wear sterile gloves, an apron and a face mask.’ When visiting in possibly infected parishioners, concerns were express by the Heath and Safety Executive about the sort of working conditions this ‘God’ was providing for his staff.

As an H&SE Spokeswoman said:

Frankly, this ‘God’ is not providing anywhere near a safe enough working environment for his staff. This will simply not do in this day and age, especially from an employer who claims to be able to perform miracles, up to and including raising people from the dead. If he can do it for his own son, then he should be willing to do it for all his employees, at least.

Quite simply, I would advise any person who contracts swine flu, or indeed, any other illness through contact with the vessels and so forth used in these ceremonies to sue. After all, what is the point of religiously following some mystical entity if it can’t even protect you from a common illness on its own premises? I certainly don’t call that Almighty.

A leading Bishop who was persuaded, finally, to give an interview, said:

Look, this is completely off the record, right? Anyway, me and the rest of the lads in the Ministry all know it is all a load of bollocks. We’re only in it for the dressing-up robes, the incense and the choirboys. Apparently, though, some folk out there – in the congregations – seem to think there must be something in it….

I mean, we, at the top of this religion game, are not completely heartless. We are trying to let them down slowly, drop a few hints like this, now and then. We’re trying to get rip of all this guff about miracles and stuff that some sun-stroked desert-dwelling bearded loony invented back in the Stone Age and try to bring the church as close as we can into the modern age. But… well… some of them are… well, not quite the full shilling, and sometimes it can be a bit of a bugger to get them to understand. Anyway, you ain’t seen me, right?’