In a world exclusive, the DAILY SCUM newspaper today revealed that thousands of unsuitable adults have been discovered working in our children's schools. In a strong editorial, the DAILY SCUM says that These so-called 'teachers' are inflicting all sorts of horrors on our innocent young children.
One mother, Slattern Pondlife, said 'My kids, Flightpath (12) and Thingy (14), have told me that one of these 'teachers' tried to teach them about something called biology - it was absolutely disgusting. Why can't our kids find out about sex by fooling about behind the bikesheds, like we did? If it was good enough for us, then it's good enough for them.'
The DAILY SCUM editorial thunders: We don't need perverts like this interfering with our kid's minds! If these perverts go around teaching our kids about things like maths or science how are they ever going to get the time to text all their mates about that night's party and what was on telly the evening before?
'My kids go to school to deal drugs and bully the weaker kids, not to learn stuff," said one angry father, quoted in the article. 'If they don't bring home any money for me to nick off them, then what is the point of them going to school? The landlord at my local is not going to be pleased if I offer to pay for my pint with some geography homework, is he?'
A government Education spokesman promised our reporter, 'We are looking into this very serious problem. There is a concern - if this so-called 'teaching' continues unabated - that some school pupils could begin to think for themselves, and that could prove to be a great danger to the government of this country, as well as a serious threat to the jobs of all you who work in the tabloid media. But working together, as usual, I strongly believe that between us the government, and the media can put a stop to any learning that may go on in what, we must hope and pray, is a very limited number of schools.'
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