If you go down to the woods today, you are in for a big surprise. That is unless you are already a member of the Droitwich All-Nude Orienteering and Woodland Sexual Perversion Club.
Yes, it is time for the first DANOAWSPC meet of 2009. The weather forecast promises some unseasonably mild weather for the time of year. To us (slightly) less perverse members of society, this would be regarded as a bit of a boon, but for naked orienteering perverts, a major part of the thrill of the activity is the chance of braving some inclement weather. Striding manfully (or, of course, womanfully) naked, except for the compulsory woollen hat, walking boots and - of course, compass and maps - through thick frost-encoated brambles in sub-zero temperatures is - I'm assured - a true sign of the dedicated orienteering pervert.
Woodland perversions, especially those integrating orienteering, are not for the faint-hearted, as any bewildered weasel or stunned badger will testify, as there are none of the usual lotions, unguents, devices or even costumes. Whatever you need to achieve sexual satisfaction - whips, oils, dildos, merkins, traffic wardens or whatever - must be improvised out of whatever comes to hand in the woodland environment, which is mainly sticks, dead leaves and the occasional errant woodland creature.
The rough and ready nature of woodland perversions does come as a bit of a culture shock to those of us who regard winter sexual deviations as something more akin to throwing another log onto a roaring fire and wrapping ourselves deep inside a fur rug with a brace of debauched cake shop manageresses. But, undoubtedly for those that do think they could find enjoyment in such practices, then certainly all-nude orienteering and woodland sexual perversions are well worth a try. Although, for your first time, DANOAWSPC do recommend waiting for the more clement weather of the late spring or early summer.